2020 epiphany… I’m coming out
…as a feminist trying to fight misogyny.
Can’t believe it’s already 2021! What a rollercoaster ride 2020 was. A lot had happened for me, I opened up a new business, left the business due to internal conflicts, opened up a new one, all of that — we’ll get into that in another post.
What I wanted to talk about was how it accentuated that being a young female in the entrepreneur world is not easy.
I’m going to share a few encounters I’ve had with people that made me doubt myself, made me feel small or I was less than my male counterparts, or I was merely an accessory. Maybe, some of you can relate, and if not, hopefully, it opens your eyes for even the tiniest bit that this happens to us out there. This is my story.
Bossy young lady
I’m used to having a team of all men and older than me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my team. We’re family. But I remember when it was our early days of the company and we were busy preparing the initial steps. We divided our responsibilities so we could stay on track. I suggested that we used Trello so we could fill in our weekly activities and track our progress. Things like what we plan on doing, did we do it, if not why didn’t we do it and how do we plan on covering it. All that. I believe the transparency and visibility of our progress help sculpt a healthy and productive business.
However, a few didn’t like it. I was condemned as bossy, naggy, unsensible, abrasive.
It bothered me back then, I apologized for being so. But when my male counterpart did it, he was said to “know what he’s doing”, wise, or at most times “helpful”.
Business Development “meeting” (or more like intervention I’d say).
I had a meeting with my team and our advisor. I had a new Business Development rep, and she was my first female on my team. I was excited! Ladidadida… We were discussing how we could improve our close rates, and also why her male counterpart had more luck in closings. To be fair, they had different styles, and that was totally okay. We have farmers, we have hunters, some are lucky enough to have both qualities. Plus, he had a kickstart of a year to build his network and client base. Anywaaaaays…
After a long discussion, a sentence struck out:
“I would suggest to sell yourself more. That’s how I do it. I’d say anything and convince them however I can until I close a deal”.
There were so many things going on in my mind the moment I heard those words. What bothered me, even more, was that my team supported that notion. Not shocked, however. They still think we should hire a good looking business development rep to lure people into meetings. (Read: accessory)
- I don’t believe in “convincing” a customer too much. If they want to work with us, they will. If not, it’s absolutely okay.
- Without even trying to “sell ourselves”, we already get the unwanted male gaze. Do you think we want more of that?
Long story short, I did not leave that meeting with a smile.
Client meeting and the “risks of the job”
I had a meeting with a very potential prospect, so I decided to bring my business development rep so she could learn and meet people (since she started when the Pandemic already happened — only online meetings here and there), and my business partner for my new business (I thought it would be good for her to build her network). So there we were… Three young ladies, meeting four businessmen. I usually bring a guy with me when I meet clients, but there were three of us so I wasn’t worried.
The meeting went on… It all went great and we started discussing the signing of papers. It was 90% done! While discussing business, we were having a few beers at a restaurant, so it felt safe and proper.
After the next step was finalized, two had left, so it was only the five of us left. Me, my girls, and two of them. A few more drinks here and there for them as we decided to stay sober in order to stay focused. After a few chit chats, things started to get “interesting”.
We were discussing how I started the company and my team. I was asked how many females and males were on my team.
“My team is all men (excluding me)”
“That’s how it should be.”
I just smiled. Conflict resolution 101 — Agree to disagree, right? Another conversation led to a statement from one of them saying:
“One of you aren’t cute, but it’s not you. You’re cute”. *points to one of my girls*
“You’re cute”. *points to my other girl*
“Let’s guess who’s not cute here.” *while looking at me raising an eyebrow*
When I’m in business mode I’m more reserved. People who know me and my personality will understand why — I want to avoid being questioned about my competence or too young to run a business. It’s a struggle but I try my best as I usually meet with people twice my age. That being said when he conveyed this indirect catty remark I wasn’t really bothered. I meant to be professional, and the purpose of the meeting was not for me to be “cute”.
But when he started to mention boobs and tits and eyeing our breasts in a jokingly matter was when it started to get too much for me. What irked me the most was I felt so powerless… Even at my level where I lead a team (two teams for that matter) I still felt like I should’ve brought a man with me to feel safe and something like this wouldn’t have happened. I was nothing at that moment — I couldn’t even keep my girls safe!
I kept on thinking, it shouldn’t be like this, should it? Am I supposed to stay quiet? After all, he’s intoxicated and probably meant no harm. Also, it’s 90% a closed deal. Remember the advice to “sell myself more”, is this what it is? Sacrificing my comfort? Pushing away my values? Oh right, the customer is king. Am I supposed to be okay with this as long as the customer is happy?
I went home displeased and decided to update my partner saying that it’s almost a deal and expressed how aggravated I was about the meeting. His response was:
“Haha that’s the risk of the job”
Oh, wow. I thought it was sexual harassment, but maybe I was wrong. I must’ve been overreacting. It’s the risk of the job… It’s not like it affects our sense of selves. (Read: Casual misogyny)
I used to stay quiet and keep it to myself (or write in my notes if I ever decide on writing one day). I used to think that silence is power… They don’t deserve my reaction or energy, but it keeps on happening and nothing is changing. Well, what’s there to change if no one speaks up, right?
“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
— Elie Wiesel
I’m lucky because I’m surrounded by lovely and supportive people, but it’s important for me to stand up and take notice as unconscious habits won’t go away until they’re made conscious. Once you start paying attention, you’ll see it everywhere.
That being said, I have decided that I will no longer remain silent. I will be noisy in the face of misogyny or sexism. I aim to bring light to the injustice women face and how we’re conditioned to accept the unequal treatment that we don’t even notice happening.
“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.” — Robert F Kennedy
This is my 2021 resolution.
I apologize if this post has offended anyone in any way, or if you were a part of the story. But this is my story from my perspective, how I felt at that time. You’re welcome to share your thoughts.
